The Bachelor Recap: Not Exactly Miss Congeniality (Season 23 Episode 3)

Tension continues to rise on Week 3 of The Bachelor as the women seem to really grasp that they’re competing against one another for the love of one dude. And the claws seriously come out.

This week’s drama is all about Caelynn vs. Hannah B. and (to a lesser degree) Demi vs. Courtney. More generally, the theme of this episode is how Colton is allegedly looking for a strong, badass woman, so all of the activities are fighting and/or strength focused.

Let’s dive in to recount all of the excellent hot mess garbage nonsense!

First Group Date: Ahoy, Ladies!

Katie, Heather, Hannah B., Courtney, Kirpa, Tracy, Demi, and Caelynn are chosen for the first group date of the week. It’s a pirate-themed adventure date because, um, reasons? I don’t really know, it’s not addressed.

Basically, it’s like Medieval Times except with pirates instead of knights. And no food.

It quickly becomes clear that the true purpose for this date’s theme is to pit Hannah B. and Caelynn against one another. Alabama Hannah simmers with barely-contained rage as she watches Caelynn flirt with and impress Colton. It’s bringing up old pageant insecurities for Hannah B.

Hannah B.: “I’m trying my hardest to not get upset but then Caelynn is just everywhere. I didn’t come here to compete in another pageant. Honestly, this sucks.”

Caelynn eventually wins the “pirate contest” (again… what?) against Tracy and “rescues” Colton. I kind of see how the producers are trying to be clever by reversing the whole “damsel in distress” trope, but it’s honestly just pretty stupid. A decidedly unmemorable date activity.

Things finally get interesting at the mingling portion of the date.

Katie steals Colton first, and Colton is very clearly into her. She seems like a Cool Girl who won’t win but will likely make at least top eight.

Then, Demi spirits him away for another sexually-charged moment where she swats at Colton’s butt with a paddle and feels him up with a fake hand.

It’s definitely weird, and Demi is not turning out to be a particularly intriguing “villain.” She’s not saying anything wild or doing anything noteworthy. It’s just cheap sexual stuff and run-of-the-mill ageism.

Demi: “Every time I smell you, I’m like, ‘Mmmmmm!’ You know what I mean? And I can tell that I always make you nervous.”

Tracy is, yet again, not thrilled with Demi’s antics and with Demi saying more blatantly rude things about the over-26 set. But this time, it’s Courtney (whose moment with Colton was interrupted with the butt-slapping antics) who confronts Demi. Demi is not playing nice anymore, and she snaps back at Courtney, asserting she’ll continue “to be who I am.”

Then, things reach their crisis point.

Hannah continues to be stressed about her Caelynn issues and decides to voice them to Colton. Here’s the thing: It’s still not really clear what their issues are with one another. Everything is being kept extremely vague and unspecific. There better be some kind of pay-off at the end of this.

Colton is clearly not thrilled with “befumbled” Hannah B.’s “confession,” which I get. She doesn’t actually give him any real reason to be suspicious of/not like Caelynn. Just a bunch of not well articulated shadiness. Their conversation ends extremely awkwardly when a frustrated Colton walks away and Hannah B. asks him for a kiss (which he begrudgingly gives before going).

Things get even more awkward when Colton seeks out Caelynn. Caelynn is far more composed and articulate than twitchy and wild-eyed Hannah B., eventually breaking down into tears when she tells Colton that she didn’t plan to open up about certain painful things in her past so early in their relationship.

Um… What the heck is going on? What happened between Caelynn and Hannah B.?!

Well, we’re not going to find out this week. But regardless, Colton is moved by Caelynn’s show of emotion, and in what can only be read as a massive “screw you” to Hannah B., he gives the group date rose to Caelynn.

Colton [to Caelynn]: “I want you to know that I like you a lot and it’s about our time together and our connection.”

Big ouch.

One-on-One: Elyse

It’s Elyse, one of the so-called (31-year-old) “cougars,” who gets the coveted alone time with Colton this week. I really like her, and their amusement park date (featuring real live children!) is cute AF.

They fly in a helicopter from L.A. to San Diego. They go on a bunch of rides together, do carnival games, and hang with the children.

Things take a more serious turn during the evening dinner portion of the date, as Elyse opens up about her sister’s death. She confides that her sister was diagnosed with cancer while pregnant with her second child. Though her sister’s baby lived, Elyse’s sister died since she chose not to pursue treatment in order to protect the baby’s health.

Super, super sad.

Colton is obviously moved by Elyse opening up to him and how this tragedy changed her perspective on life. He gives her the date rose, then they dance amidst a crowd of strangers while somebody named “Tenille Arts” plays a country song. As you do after opening up about grief.

Real talk though: Elyse is great. I don’t get the sense that she’ll win in the end, though she’s definitely a frontrunner right now — which means she’s a perfect candidate to be the next Bachelorette! Yes please and thank you.

Second Group Date: “Bachelor’s Strongest Woman”

Tayshia, Nina, Catherine, Sydney, Onyeka, Cassie, Nicole, and Caitlin go on the week’s second group date. This means that Hannah G. and Bri are the only two contestants who don’t have any date-time with Colton this week.

This segment is introduced with a shirtless Colton, which I’m not mad about!

Him being shirtless is also logical, sorta, because the date is fitness-themed. Very excitingly, it features Terry Crews (of Brooklyn Nine-Nine fame) and his equally cool and fit wife, Rebecca King-Crews.

First, everybody works out, which sounds like my personal nightmare. Trying to impress a dude with my fitness prowess? Extremely no thanks. My love of Nicole grows when I see her #relatable struggle with the workouts. I feel you and that lack of upper body strength, Nicole.

Meanwhile, Colton helps dancer Sydney stretch. It’s quite sexual, and Cassie is snarky about it. 

Then, after the warm-up, the contestants compete for the title of “Bachelor’s Strongest Woman.” The events include a bunch of weird “marriage-themed” physical strength trials: pushing a 100-pound wedding cake, flipping a 50-pound tire in a “ring toss,” and pulling a limo. Yeah, an actual limo.

In the end, Onyeka takes the title. As a reward, she gets to have some of the cake with Colton during the later mingling portion, though surprisingly she doesn’t get the group date rose.

Also not getting the group date rose? Caitlin, who is unceremoniously sent home mid-date when she can’t conjure up a single thing to share about herself. Apparently Caitlin has had a very nice, uneventful life? When he asks what she’s looking for in a relationship, she says something vague about going out with her and her friends. Colton is clearly not into it, and it’s very awkward.

Colton: “If I’m being completely honest, tonight I just didn’t feel like that spark was there. I’m sorry, you are somebody who deserves the best, but I just don’t think that you are for me.”

Another big ouch.

In the end, Nicole gets the group date rose after emotionally opening up about her grandma who fled Cuba. I really like Nicole! Much like Elyse, she seems like someone who will go decently far but not win. Also like Elyse, I’d definitely love to see her as the Bachelorette.

The Cocktail Pool Party

Chris Harrison scares the bejeezus out of the women by telling them that there’ll be no cocktail party that week.

Just as they begin internally panicking about the prospect of heading into a rose ceremony without one last chance to sway Colton, Chris reveals that they’re actually doing a pool party this week instead. Tricky tricky, Chris.

Cue more shirtless Colton, and more Pageant Queens drama.

Notably, Colton reassures first impression rose recipient Hannah G. (who was worried that she didn’t get a date this week). He basically tells her that he didn’t need a date with her because he’s already confident in their bond.

I’m not sure if it’s a good idea to get Hannah G. too comfortable this early on — isn’t that sort of setting her up for failure and to think she doesn’t need to try? Regardless, at this stage, I’ll be shocked if Hannah G. isn’t the winner. And that’s just my intuition; I’m dedicated to going entirely spoiler-free this season.

Meanwhile, Heather, revealing herself to be (as the kids say) “a messy b*tch who loves drama,” encourages a stressed out Hannah B. to once again approach Colton about her issues with Caelynn. She suggests that Caelynn will use her growing closeness to Colton to sow seeds of doubt about Hannah B. in his mind.

It works. Hannah B. says she’s got a “tank of rage” and is ready to let loose the “beautiful monster” inside of her. That’s when she does the weird, awkwardly-long growl thing that I’ve been highly anticipating since it was featured in the season preview trailer.

As it turns out, Heather is kind of right — Caelynn is telling Colton about her issues with Hannah B., specifically that their still-undisclosed beef started when Caelynn began to have more success in the Miss USA pageant.

Fresh off his convo with Caelynn, Colton seeks out Hannah B., telling her that Caelynn characterized her as manipulative and deceitful. In response, Hannah B. urges Colton to believe her that Caelynn is the one who’s manipulative and fake.

Obviously, Colton barely knows either of these two women, so he doesn’t know what to think. He walks off to consult with/stress about it to a producer, and that’s a wrap on the least fun pool party ever.

The Rose Ceremony

Going into the third rose ceremony, Caelynn, Elyse, and Nicole are all safe, having gotten roses during the various three dates. In addition to them, Colton hands out roses to (in order): Hannah G., Tayshia, Katie, Cassie, Kirpa, Sydney, Demi, Tracy, Courtney, Heather, Onyeka, and finally, Hannah B.

Oy.

Of course Hannah B. gets called last — it’s the best way to both maximize ~dramatic tension~ and hype up the poor girl’s anxiety and insecurity.

This means that — in addition to Caitlin — Bri, Catherine, and Nina are sent packing.

I’ve gotta say, I’m a little disappointed that Bri’s fake Australian accent was the most interesting thing about her. Also, whatever happened to Catherine’s dog? That was a whole thing!

There are now 15 contestants left heading into Week 4. So keep on tuning in with me, Bachelor Nation, to see what new and uncomfortably prolonged animal impressions Hannah B. will bust out next!

What did you think of this episode of The Bachelor? Are you Team Hannah B. or Team Caelynn? Have you already grown tired of Demi’s antics? Share your thoughts in the comments below!

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC.

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